Henk Barendregt. (1987). Buddhist phenomenology.

University of Nijmegen. The Netherlands. Proceedings of the Conference on Topics and Perspectives of Contemporary Logic and Philosophy of Science, Cesena, Italy, January 7-10.

"The way to the elimination of suffering is the way to eliminate attachment to self. This means the elimination of our addiction to feeling. [...] At one moment the student notices that it becomes difficult to keep his super consciousness. More and more pressure is growing on his mind [...] At any price the student wants to keep his exalted consciousness. But most unfortunately he cannot keep his strong concentration any longer and he falls back on what used to be his old consciousness. It turns out that this consciousness is totally neglected. It looks like a giant abyss. Desperately the student tries to regain his exalted consciousness. It does not work. Then suddenly the student looses all grip and falls in the abyss. The experience is indescribable. The following symptoms are some indications of what happens."

"Chaos : perception is completely confused; everything is turning."
"Anxiety : there is an `infinitely' strong anxiety; all other anxieties seemto be derived from this basic one."
"Disgust: one is extremely sick; the stomach turns and one has to vomit."
"Craziness : it feels as if one is crazy; the mind and the body are present,but there is no ego anymore that controls everything."

"The experience is more terrible than death, at least that is how it feels like. Nevertheless thinking operates as usual. Panic stricken the student goes to the teacher, who is available 24 hours a day during the intensive meditation retreat, precisely for these cases of depersonalization. The student hopes that the teacher can perform some miracle. But that is not what happens. [...] But the student is not at all interested in meditation anymore. He just wants to stop his depersonalization. [...] Back in his room the student has lost all motivation and does not want to continue the practice."


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